I was thinking last night in the wee hours. That’s what I do when everyone else sleeps. I think all the random thoughts that I didn’t get to during the day. The cat is a night owl, so she will sit there and watch me think, faithfully keeping a vigil.
I’ve been doing this 10-day mind fast that I read about in Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins. You think happy, positive, and solution-oriented thoughts all day, all night and nothing more. If you slip into the gloom and doom, you have less than 5 minutes to straighten up or you have to start all over again. Even if you already have 6 days under your happy umbrella. I have had to start over every day. I think I made it yesterday. I lost track of time and thoughts. I’m going to call it a win. I’ve been playing this game for 4 days now, I’m moving on to conquer this.
One thing that I’m already realizing about this little “wax on, wax off” game is that it makes you aware of what your problem really is. Mine is my past and my hurt feelings by others. It’s causing me to really look at what thorn is still in my paw and ask myself if I put it there or did someone else. But then that takes more than 5 minutes…and we have to start the day over. The thing is, if you have to start over, you have to wait until morning so you may as well work that s–t out for the remainder of the evening because come mornings light and the neighbor’s rooster, you better be shining like the sun with optimism.
To get to the point, I’m pissed at a few people in my life. For not loving us like I want them to or need them to, for not being into my family, or maybe they even told me to basically go f—k myself after decades of friendship. Am I right in being hurt? Was it my fault? Are they assholes? Are others jealous? Am I just changing too much? Am I not being real? Maybe I think I’m jolly and fun, but I’m really a rude schmuck? Probably all this. But it keeps me up and I just get more worked up and incensed. I feel more hurt. I almost called a therapist the other day just so I could vent to someone that didn’t know me. The more I talk the more angry and heartbroken I feel.
Then last night, as I lay in bed, a soft, quiet thought came to me. God has removed or is removing others for a reason that I don’t need to understand, all I need to know is that there is a reason and it’s for my protection and to remove the obstacles, both physical, mental, and in the form of people that would hold me back from my destiny, my boys destiny, my husband’s destiny (because I’m a unit now you know. There really is no more I or me, it’s we, us, together…all for one and one for all).
It’s comforting for me to not have to figure things out and solve the problems of my life. I can put it in Gods’ hands and say, “I just can’t do this anymore, you fix please!” or to think, “God has his reasons and they are all for me and my families good.”
I do a lot of metaphysics, quantum physics, mind over matter, law of attraction, mumbo jumbo. While I’m doing all my spiritual studies and mastering the Mind, I have forgotten to add God to the equation these days. I think about Jesus, I love Jesus. I am one of those women that cry while listening to Christian music or Gospel (two of my favorites along with Country music and Celtic Bagpipes. My poor neighbors. Oh well, they have a rooster so they can’t complain).
However, God is the President of a huge corporation and I am just a cashier in one of many of his chain stores. I send messages through upper management and never know if it was ever received. It’s hard to feel connected. Why I feel connected to Jesus or Paramahansa Yogananda though I’ve never met them? Who knows. But I love them, cry about them, feel that they have walked with me through some hard times. But God is the seer of all, the knower of all, the never-ending, endless wisdom, compassion…the Father.
I probably have to start all over again tomorrow with the damn mind fast. I spent more than 5 minutes discussing my hurts with all of you. However, tonight I will talk to God and then Jesus…and then Paramahansa Yogananda. I will ask them to remove all my resentments and show me the errors of my ways (gently though, I’m delicate right now) and to bring me peace and compassion. When I have compassion I’m not so angry.
Now that I’ve taken some time to question why I have left God out of the equation, why I try to work my life without this faith and gratitude, I now see that He has been taking care of me all along. He has replaced those who have left with others that are far more loving, adoring, and appreciative of my family. He has blessed me with the love and talent to write and that has replaced the isolation of being a housewife raising two little people alone in a new town without a community or much family interest as of lately. He is gifting me with new people and opening a new world through this blog. He even gifted me several times today as if to answer me when I ask myself just how much He was present with me and if He wanted me to include Him more.
This may all sound cheesy…and I assure you I’m not nutty. I have a bumper sticker on my car that says, God Wants Spiritual Fruits, Not Religious Nuts. I agree but it’s time for me to hand him over my issues and let someone far more experienced and knowledgeable take care of matters.