What do we do when we wake up one day and realize that this is not the life we had dreamed of? That we are miserable, tired…no, exhausted, and we feel lost beyond lost? I went through this 10 years ago. I had a quiet breakdown. It wasn’t the dramatic nervous breakdown where you sit crouched in a corner rocking back and forth chanting some odd word over and over. I just slowly unraveled and kept sliding more into drinking in my rented room at night while watching TV, crying after work, running on the hamster wheel without any life to me. I was becoming more tired each day and one day I just gave it all up. I gave my notice at work and then wound up walking away days before the time was up. I gave notice to my roommate and I moved off to another town. For months I cleaned houses to make a little gas and grocery money while I looked for an office job. I had lost my mind a bit and I was starting over. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I loved the house cleaning. I could work alone and think. I wanted to be alone and think and scrub. When I was done I had put someone’s filthy sty into a sparkly clean and orderly way and I had worked through cleaning some of my emotional filth. I thought of how the Tibetan Monks spend hours washing floors and meditating. There is something about cleaning and working through your minds muck. It was the beginning of some huge healing work.
I went on to get rid of all my bad habits such as drinking, pot smoking, and cigarettes. I cleaned up my diet and began to take classes through the Center for Spiritual Living. I took months of classes on meditation, prayer, and self-reflection. I then traveled up North to be with my mother when she passed away. That was the biggest healing of them all and truly when I knew that God is there through all things if you just ask.
Today my life is very different. I sit here at my kitchen table with my coffee at 4:ish in the morning working on my blogs and our household budget. I have two beautiful and wise boys sleeping in our bed, a dog laying at my feet and the other dog in his bed in our bedroom sleeping. The cat is just sitting on the chair next to me purring her approval of my early hours and productivity. She just stares at me with love. All my animals are rescues so they reside always in gratitude. I’m a rescue myself and know that feeling. My husband is my hero. He saw someone that had been hurt so many times that she had a tough exterior up around her. When we were dating he said he wanted to be the one to heal my heart and help me to trust again. He had no idea what he was in for. It’s been a journey and I often wonder what he did in a past life to have such karma.
When life gets good we forget about God and doing a daily work on our spiritual selves. Every day there should be some time set aside for being with Spirit and time for exercise. I have had a good life the last 8 years and it keeps getting better, however, I started to neglect my inner and spiritual work. I forgot to have God first because God is all things and with us at all times. We need that guidance in all ways of our lives so we can lead good lives that are balanced, wholesome, happy. I truly believe that without a spiritual life it is near impossible to thrive. I also believe that if we are caught up in the bondage of bad habits and addictions we cannot succeed. we will never know true happiness and health.
Wholesome is wholesome and there is no inbetween or “sort of” “kind of” “most of the time”. If you want to have a rich life, and by rich I don’t mean just money but rich in health, good friends, a good life all the way around, you must overcome the things that hold you back. Only you know what those things truly are. Only you know what is really keeping you up at night.
Fix it. Life is short. Life can be SO good, so full, so abundant. Drinking and poo pooing God and the spiritual ones does nothing but bring a person down. Being negative, even over little things, will destroy any joy for you and those around you.
Make a commitment to change your life in great ways. Decide that when you wake up tomorrow you will begin a journey to become whole, healed, happy, and thrive. Get all the help you may need. Don’t be ashamed, afraid, and do not do any journey alone. You need support, guidance from those that have gone before you. You need people to show you which way and how to get there from where you are. You need to be loved by others until you know how to truly love yourself.
Toward the end of my days of my old life, I was not a hardcore drinker or smoker. I had slowed way down and I had a strong spiritual life and deep healing work accomplished. I still had to dive into the AA fellowship for over a year. I immersed myself. I did all the Steps and work, had the sponsor, attended all the sober events, parties, potlucks, and bar b q’s. I recreated my whole life so that I could never go back to the old and it was a good thing that I did because after a year of hard work I woke up one day and wanted the old life back something fierce. I would have gone back to my old ways and habits…but I couldn’t. I had severed all ties to friends and things that were of the old. It was a huge blessing because the moment passed after a few weeks and I was so very grateful. Now it’s been 8 years and I have built and been blessed with a good marriage, motherhood, being able to stay home and be a housewife, a writing career, quality relationships. I have no desire to practice old habits.
Do I do AA now? No, I did it intensely for over a year and now I do other things. I have had a few times in those 8 years that I smoked pot but I would never go back to that as a lifestyle. I have so much that I’m really into that I don’t have time to be stoned. However, what I did notice was how irritable and a bit depressed I was the next day and it just reaffirmed that even something like pot does alter the mood and sanity of a person. It’s just easier to give it all up and live completely clear.
I was getting into some moods a few months ago and I realized I had neglected my mind and spirit. I started studying Tony Robbins which led me to the 10 Mind Fast and then that led me to this intense program that I have created for myself once I realized how negative my thinking really was. As with all life changes I, personally, feel that the best way to conquer and overcome is to completely immerse oneself in a new life.
For example; I realized that my thinking is pretty negative and filled with worry, judgment, and opinions (of things that are none of my business). I now focus day and night on my thinking and detoxing the old, filling in the new. I get the new from books, programs, documentaries, spiritual teachings, Gospel music, great teachers, the Bible, positive movies. I have changed my diet getting rid of all the sugar because I’m addicted to that and it affects my moods and health. I exercise daily because if I don’t that affects my moods. I continue to declutter, organize, clean, and decorate my home and back yard so that it is a place of comfort, beauty, and peace. I find ways to bring fun and joy into my families life. I keep working toward improving all parts of my life and this, in turn improves my sons and husbands life (the dogs and cat too). I practice the art of giving, giving money, time, stuff, love…
Right now I’m really hungry for all that is spiritual. I miss my connection to God and my spiritual guides. I watch and read, not just Christian, but all things spiritual or soul inspiring, mind healing, life building. My joy is blossoming and I see it reflected on the outside. I wasn’t selling any paperback books and my husband had taken over the building up and management of an abandoned gas station. At first, he did not recieve a raise. He worked tirelessly and was given free gas as an increase. Which was fine. Since I started working on my peace of mind and happiness, taking better care of him, the home, my whole family…he has recieved a good sized raise and my books are selling daily.
Coincidence? No, there are no coincidence. As the mind gets whole and fills with light, the outside life comes together also.
For my books on healing and sobriety…or just running a home and getting out of debt, you’ll find me on amazon.