I’m an upstream paddler. I struggle, sweat, and toil until I am exhausted. Not all at once and I don’t literally sweat and grunt at the moment. It’s several little moments and thoughts that can be spread thinly over decades. I have an inner lieutenant that drives me night and day. It takes its toll. I watched Tony Robbins I’m Not Your Guru months ago and there was something he said about a girl who was young and thought it was important to please others at her expense. He said, “Sure, she hasn’t had 10 years of that to grind her into the fucking ground” (his choice words, not mine).
I was journaling today and I had a realization…soon after that I had this extra exhaustion come over me (I’ve been really tired the last few days) and I started feeling like my chest became bound tight and breathing shallow.
I have been using this blog to give advice, however, lately it seems I need to return to a humbled state of the student in all areas of my life. I am going to do two things; write less on this blog to give myself a break because, even though I love writing this blog, I have know idea what I’m doing at this time or where I want to go. I also am turning it into a more journey of self like blog. I’m in the process of a new growth. I’m on a new journey. I am in another phase of life. It is exciting and I love it. It is also exhausting physically and emotionally.
I have no energy for others, except my sons. I am even dragging my body about today still in pajamas and working on my second cup of coffee. I am usually a vital and healthy woman that is bursting with energy, I have build castles and milked cows by the time most people are thinking of having their first cup of coffee. I am the furthest thing from the aspect of lazy…I am in the dictionary under “opposite of lazy”. Not lately, though. I don’t know exactly what happened but I completely pooped out. Days are going by and I’m crawling about such as a turtle, slow and steady. The turtle did win the race in the end. That’s comforting.
My cat, Maggie, is sitting in the chair next to me. She watches me with that combination of love and irritation that only a cat can master. She purrs and then curls up for a nap. I need to be like her. She sleeps most of the day and night and is perfectly happy and in good health. I need to learn to lay about and read while my children learn to cook their own meals…not really, they are only 4 and 2 so I’m joking…although my 4 year old is putting jelly on his own toast right now.
I realized this morning that I’ve been paddling upstream for decades. This crash was inevitable. I have been forcing myself into things for so long, pushing myself to be busy as ever when tired. I have tried to diet for 35 years with no luck. I’ve forced myself to go to college for 20 some years, also with no luck. I have moved and changed jobs for decades. That finally stopped and I settled down once I found my “home”. Now I’m a housewife and mother and that just wasn’t enough. I got bored and found inspiration in writing. Too much so. I wrote 12 books and started a blog within a year. This is along with navigating marketing, promotion, and doing all my own editing and self-publishing. I just felt like I had so much to share and I poured it out as fast as I could. I literally felt an urgency. I have learned so much in my life from my own self-study and education, my own experiences…and I want others to benefit. But is it quality? Was I just hammering it out? I know a couple books…3 at least that I really was holly inspired but the rest were getting more about the fun of making books.
Now I feel empty, not in a bad way, just that it’s all out there and I am clear for something new. I am also done paddling upstream as Abraham talks about. I don’t want to diet, I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t feel good and/or fun. I had a good friend tell me this summer, “I think there needs to be more play…much more play”. She gave me a look that seemed to reach my soul. I don’t play enough. I was not raised to play. If I laughed too much or acted goofy I was reprimanded. I had chores and lot’s of them at a very young age. I remember one summer my aunt ask if I could come spend it with her and my cousins to have fun and go to fairs and such. She was told I had chores and responsibilities. I was 8 or 9 years old. Play was not encouraged.
This has been good for creating a very productive robot, but also a soul weary and sadness tinged human who doesn’t allow herself the luxury of even dreaming big. I tell others to go forth fearlessly and dream and I believe this to be true, however, the more I study the Law of Attraction, the more I see how hard it is for me to let go, to surrender, to allow. I’m still wound a bit snug. I have a jolly laugh and I am positive and love to have little projects and challenges…but I’m having to look a little deeper and see that I’m still not nearly as happy as I feel I should be with all my blessings. I’m still wounded but the wound has scabbed over and become a scare so long ago that it’s faded now. I still have a troubled soul that is expressed in worrying about things I can’t control or that I should just be minding my own business.
I’m working on it and that is where the exhaustion comes from. I have a pie in the frig because I feel we eat extremely healthy and I want a dessert after my dinner for now. I may morph into making healthy desserts but for now, I just want my damn desert and to not care about my weight. I want to be ok with being not thin. I even got rid of all the last of the clothes I had stored on a shelf for when I lost that 20 pounds (that has never, ever happened in the 35 years of dieting). It was in Marie Kondos book of The Magic of Uncluttering. She had someone say that it was like self-abuse keeping clothes that don’t fit. You are just torturing and taunting yourself…reminding yourself of all your failure. I want to be free and happy like I was when I was pregnant with my first son and didn’t care anymore. After having him I never weighed myself or looked in the mirror and voila! I lost all kinds of weight without trying.
I want to relax with my books that I wrote. They are starting to sell and whatever happens will happen. I want to become inspired for something fun and fictiony…something that has nothing to do with frugal schmugal or homemaking or real life!
I want to roll around and cuddle with my boys and read fiction all day and not worry about the vacuuming and cooking. It will get done so why not relax and stay in those pajamas until late sometimes. It’s not like I’m having visitors.
Today is a beautiful rainy day, the first rainy day of fall. I am going to play with the doll house (yes my boys have one, barbies too from my old daycare), I love setting it up and decorating. I’m going to have another cup of coffee in my pajamas and cook up winter food. I will then read my library book and maybe watch some Hallmark movie. Thus begins my path to self-healing.