I have been unusually tired lately and my spouse and I have bickered about the household budget (which we never do so this sucks). I had to redo the budget and, the good news, it’s fabulous now and I’m back on the road to frugal living. The bad news is that I had to give up 3 of my places that I donate to. It’s not like I’m keeping these places running with my paltry amount but it still made me sad. I can’t do any volunteer work right now because of Bali’s work schedule and the littlest one’s attachment, so I feel good when I throw money at the things I worry about. I will be able to donate again one day, but for now, it’s sending money to our family in India or donating to the animal shelter.
The next thing that started bringing me down…and this started a few weeks or more ago, was when I attempted to write my childhood memoir. What a crapola idea that was. I chose to go back into hell and share about it. No thanks. I realized I was getting funky and I deleted it all. There was some relief, however, some things lingered. Sort of like when you finally bath the dogs and they smell great but there is still a smell in the house that will require more cleaning and shampooing of rugs.
I have had some epiphanies and thus the exhausting healing work begins. And that mental and emotional work takes it out of me. I have been working on being happy and being in the Vortex and instead I couldn’t be farther out of the Vortex.
Today there was finally a shift. I woke up tired and funky again. Then I sat in a comfortable recliner with my delicious little toddler to nurse him. We started watching Kung Fu Panda and I started drinking my first cup of coffee of the morning. I almost cried…well, I did just a little. For a couple reasons; first off I bought heavy whipping cream last night for my coffee and it was so darn good it brought a tear to my eye. The other reason was the biggest and that was when I became present with the moment and all the sweet yumminess in holding my little one that is all mine and watching this wonderful movie with its great message that I knew was for me this morning. This child is one of two children I, at one time, thought I would never have. The message from the movies was “believe in yourself no matter what”. I needed it all.
Then Arjan reported that the cat had puked on a good portion of our couch and my mood went wayward for a bit. Then (yes it’s like a roller coaster ride and we aren’t done) I felt gratitude that I could take the covers off the couch and wash them. They needed it something fierce and I had actually thought about it yesterday when I found grape jelly all over one. So, the cat puke turned out to be a push in the right direction. Thanks Maggie for getting me off my rear. As I washed all the cushions I got motivated to clean a bit. I proceed to get on my exercise clothes, turn on some Abraham and listen to some good messages, I had more coffee, cleaned the kitchen with sweeping and all. Then I go out to the mailbox and find two of my books have arrived! Battlefield of the Mind with Joyce Meyers. I was so thrilled I got on the Tread Climber and started reading. I haven’t been able to really exercise for days, but today I went for it.
I really like the book too! Now I’m in a great space and I’m going to the library to pick up the other stack of books I will try to speed read. I have a great dinner planned and we have ice cream for dessert because I have promised myself that I will never diet again. I think it is a form of abuse and it was the other thing that was making me so sad. Another diet to fail at. We eat so healthily and I love having something sweet to look forward to now and then without all the BS guilt. What is life without dessert? That’s right…borrriiinngg.
So, mood is up, I’m back in the Vortex. Went to the library after I started this blog and they had this big Starwars shindig for kids. My boys don’t get it but I grew up on the original Starwars. We would travel to Garberville and everyone in the theater would smoke pot and hoot and holler during the whole show. It was great. The library gig was fun with craft tables, snacks, people in costume, a lightsaber table to make your own out of foam worms. Such fun. Arjan didn’t find it so much. When the storm troopers entered the room he was pretty freaked out. I was at the lightsaber station building their sabers when I turned in time to see him building up to a meltdown as the troopers gathered behind him. We had to leave, however, after running around the field chasing and hitting each other with the lightsabers we returned to the scene of the crime and one of the troopers took off his mask and kneeled down to let him know he was a real person in dress up. He even hugged me to show that he was a “compassionate trooper”. Well, that answered my question as to if Arjan was ready for trick or treating. No.
The mood is good, it’s raining outside and I love rain. We are all here cozy and playing with our new free toys and a good memory of the library day. I have another pile o’ books to get through. I have ice cream!
It didn’t really take the whole day to get in a good space. It happened shortly after the delight in the coffee, the sweet movie that I knew was a cosmic message that I was “awake” enough to understand, the moment with my son…even the cat puke turned into a clean house and renewed energy and motivation. I’d say it was an hour or so.
If we have shelter and love, food, and a pulse, we can find a way to happiness. It’s our own stinkin’ thinkin’ that gets us down. As I washed our dishes by hand and watched the rain sprinkle the kitchen window, I ask myself why I’ve been a pale shade of blue? I realized that it is self-abuse and the inability to be lazy at times, to be in the moment. Dieting for me is self-abuse it comes from a dark past when a was a perfect weight and health at 11 years old, however, my sick mother encouraged dieting and when I did it well I received a compliment when I didn’t succeed I was told how disgusting I was. Without getting into that I will just say that I have to just adore myself as is and reprogram my mind in how I think about me, my bod, my life…but no more dieting. I haven’t succeeded in 35 years so it is a very, very crazy and torturous thing to do to myself. Life is too short to be unhappy and pass up pie.
An abundance of blessings to you all!