In the desert for 40 years.

field-summer-sun-meadow

Joyce Meyers was talking about the Israelites who took an eleven-day trip and spread it out over 40 years in the desert this morning.  I love this story as a teaching tool and I, myself, have had this experience.

I try not to have regrets, I’m sure my lost years can be a way of saving others from this fate if used as an example.

I came from trouble in all forms: addiction, alcoholism, insanity, anger, guilt, fear.  And that was just the person who raised me.  I went on to continue some of these traits.  I was raised with so much negativity and instability that I grew up to be controlling, stressed out, fearful, depressed, and found comfort in drinking and smoking pot constantly.

I knew at a young age that this wasn’t the way to go.  I remember being 8 or 9 years old and being disgusted with the adults and all their drinking and smoking.  Then I discovered pot and just how good it made me feel, how it made my miserable world with my mother seem not so bad.  Then I discovered liquor and that really was, as they say, quicker.  Quicker at escaping the world altogether.

On and on went a wretched life on into youth and my 20’s and most of my 30’s.  I knew all the time that real freedom and peace would come from living a wholesome life.  But how do you build a wholesome life when you’ve been raised in thick dysfunction and turmoil?  How do you become a worthy and happy soul when you have been told your whole upbringing that you were worthless and didn’t have the common sense to amount to much more than pregnant and barefoot (which isn’t really such a bad thing as it turns out)?

Well, the first thing you do is quit the bad habits that keep you dulled in spirit and depressed mind.  You don’t drink, do drugs, smoke pot to stupidity, and party.  I needed all the strength and all my wits about me.  I knew this all along and I tried and tried (half-heartedly) to clean up my act.  I really didn’t try as hard as I should have.  If I had only known the life I was going to have sober and loving God, I would have done everything and anything to reach the prize sooner.

I had so many dreams.  But as I continued to live a dark life they stood back in the shadows.  I couldn’t overcome my depression.  I would drink more, smoke more, eat more and call all my friends to sooth my never ending pain.  I had a girlfriend ask me if I had considered medication.

God was always there whispering in my ear.  I could barely hear for all the commotion in my head but there were those times I would have that one spark of silence and in it I would hear the message.  I knew that if I stopped what I was doing, living how I was living, that my life would change for the better and I would have my dreams actualized.  But not until then.

Drugs and God don’t really mix.  Drugs and booze cut you off from the Source.

Today I live a completely different life.  There is music and sunshine and laughter.  My heart is full of good things, my mind has so many fun ideas, my home is filled with children of the human and the furry kind.  I have stability and sanity.  Someone may ask if I’ve had my coffee but never would anyone ask if I considered medication today.  I’m pretty happy without getting too annoying.  I wake up in good spirits and I go to bed grateful.

I still have much work to do.  I’d like to get to a place of no cares and pure jolliness.  That’s my goal.  And to sell a fictional book to a publisher.  My priorities are to keep my family healthy, happy and continuing to thrive.  To be a much better wife.  To be more playful.  I never thought I would say this but God is at the top, the center, and everything that makes it work.  The more I seek Him the more he answers, shows up in beautiful ways and the more I experience almost daily blessings and gifts.  I’m in a constant communion with the Creator and it is the sanest and emotional I have ever felt.

Today I’m doing my dreams.  I’m a mother, wife, housewife, and writer.  Doesn’t get much better than that.  For me at least, since these were my dreams.

But how did I get from alone in a studio apartment hung over and crying to today sitting at my computer with my classical music loud, two boys making playdough spaghetti, a hound that keeps pestering me for snacks, and a desk loaded with books I’ve written, photos of my family and all our fun, a file for our new house we just purchased and my big mug of coffee?

Find God and get sober.  Then start rewiring that brain.

I’ll give an example.  I don’t watch, listen to, read, or take in any music, words, or images that are violent, negative, vulgar, perverse, nasty…you get the point.  I do fill up on positive sermons with Joyce Meyer, John Gray, Joel Osteen.  I read the Bible, I read clean books.  I was actually really into Amish fiction for awhile.  It doesn’t have to be that boring but when I read books they are positive and have good happy endings (that’s not required but I have to have them).  I listen to sermons that teach me to be more positive and have hope.  I listen to music that lifts me up.  I watch Pureflix, Hallmark channel, Disney…I know, borrrrrinng.  But I love it.

There is so, so, so much good stuff out there now that is clean and positive.  Books, music, radio stations like The Fish and KLOVE.  There are channels on TV that are safe.  TMC is great for old movies.

I fill up on spiritual books that teach me and guide me to heal my mind and get it right.  I was raised with so much negativity and anger that it’s been a long road to clean out this poor and tired mind.  You have to change your thinking entirely.

Then there is the matter of who you hang out with and where you hang out.  If you hang out with negative complainers, gossips, party hounds, it will be hard to break the habits and change.  If you hang out in the pub on the weekends you won’t get far.

Find a Church, find new people that are on the same new path with the same mindset.  Find people who have what you want.  Watch and observe.  They will show you how to get to where you want to be.  Surround yourself with these new, happy, positive people.  Find places that are happy, safe, wholesome.  Make your whole life about finding goodness and light.

Why do this?  Because the life you will create will be so amazing that the past will be a distant and dark memory.  You will wonder why it took you so long.  Don’t wait, to waste all that time.  I started going down the wrong path at a ripe age of 12 and was really failing by 15 years old.  I didn’t start following Gods guidance and ask for His grace until I was 31 years old and it still took another 6 to 7 years before I really took hold and transformed my life.  Here I am 46 years old and finally in a fantastic spot in life and fully embracing God and all the goodness of life.

If the Christian scene is too much for you try the Center for Spiritual Living or Awareness.  Try The Law of Attraction books and other things to get you into a new mindset.  The Bible teaches all this too but I had to start out in other ways before I could grasp this Christian lifestyle and I had to really do some research before I was able to accept the Bible as being real and true.  We all find our way home in different ways.

Many blessings and good prayers to you.

 

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5 comments

  1. I’m currently doing the Bible study “Entrusted” with my women’s group at church. It’s Beth Moore. It’s excellent and you might enjoy her testimony. She was abused as a child and struggled as an adult with seeking attention in the wrong places. Her life became completely out of control. My takeaway is how these horrible experiences can become an opportunity to draw closer to God… to NEED Jesus.

    Liked by 1 person

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