I’ll start out by saying that living a wholesome and pure lifestyle can be very fun and rewarding in so many ways that I will try and list further on into this write-up. I will also be honest in that I was never into drugs or pills and my drinking was usually a weekend sort of drinking that could be a couple glasses of wine or me going to bed cross-eyed. It was always a gamble. I was mostly a pot smoker. I loved my pot and cigarettes along with cold beer or a good wine. But I was a closet drinker and smoker. I even hid my cigarette smoking.
I’d wait until at night and light candles on the back porch, have my tea or wine and smoke my cigarettes. No one in my family knew I smoked, I was very ashamed. And the pot, I waited for nightfall to hide that habit also. The drinking was, on a Friday or Saturday but I usually drank alone and was slurring by bedtime. When I drank at a party I was sure to make an ass of myself and lose the last part of the evening.
I was a distraught soul, a sad Sally to say the least. I came from a troubling childhood with a crazy mother who spoke cruel words over me and, just like the rice or water experiment, I grew up crippled in mind, body, and spirit. Pot was the perfect elixir to all that felt bad. It made me feel happy, safe, I laughed and didn’t mind my life so much. I would take off into a fantasy world, eat my way through my feelings, check out with movies and for a few hours every night I was in another world I enjoyed much more than the gloomy one I suffered through during the day.
Unfortunately, my life was similar to the Ground Hogs Day movie and I repeated a pattern for 20 years. I moved from town to town, job to job, boyfriend to boyfriend, always trying to outrun my shadow but that darn thing always caught up and reminded me of what a sorry character I really was.
Then fate stepped in. I sort of lost my mind a bit. Nothing too dramatic but it definitely forced some big and wonderful changes. I started looking for God and a healing. I wasn’t really aware of it at the time but I was. I stayed up drinking one night with friends and losers and the next day I went to a Christian convention of Joyce Meyers with a good friend that had been sober some 20 years. That was only the beginning of the train ride.
From that convention, I heard two things: you can’t keep going around the same mountain and expect a different view and you need to jump into the unknown with a blind faith. I later coined the phrase Faith Jumping. I did that for the next so many years after that.
I had a good old fashioned meltdown, walked off a job, walked away from an apartment in the Sunset of San Francisco and wound up almost homeless with a checking account that was overdrawn. God stepped in more ways than I can recount and I was taken care of all the way through my morphing into a butterfly.
I took classes through a Spiritual Center and learned how to pray and meditate, I got a good case of gastritis and quit smoking and drinking and changed my diet, I took care of my mother when she was dying and experienced true forgiveness and peace, I found AA and was pretty into it for a year or more, and then my life really took off.
It would take a book to talk about all the times I jumped and the net appeared or God blessed me immensely once I started really listening and taking direction. It was a magical time that followed my break down. I love thinking about my life AB (after breakdown). My life BB (before the breakdown) is dark, depressing, bleak. I have all but forgotten it.
I have been almost perfectly pure and wholesome for 8 or 9 years. I don’t keep track now. I did AA for a year and a half or more and loved it but then I went on to all sorts of other things and I had tools and a new life that I was building. I would never, ever go back to any of my old ways or habits. I have had a half glass of wine in all those years and I could care less. I don’t miss drinking or cigarettes one bit. I have had a marijuana moment here and there in the past but I would never go back to that on a regular basis either.
My life is really bright and healthy. I have learned the simple pleasures of life. Coffee brewing in my sunny kitchen in the morning, a new book I’m writing and enjoying, visiting friends with my kids, going to the ocean, creating and decorating my new fixer-upper home…the list goes on and on. I feel good, I feel happy, I laugh deeply.
This was not how I felt when I smoked pot all the time and drank on the weekends. I was so blue that one of my friends suggested I look into getting some medication. I was truly insulted at the time but now I look back and I agree with her. I was a MESS! But now I am grateful and fun most of the time…when I’m not nagging someone in my family.
Life is so sweet, especially when you are forced to be present and frugal until you can learn that the biggest fun comes from being home, planting a garden, iced coffee in the afternoon while you go through your closet and listening to Law of Attraction on youtube, or the library has all the books you ordered!
Being a mess is not a personal matter, it affects everyone around you. Being healthy and present for yourself, your family, friends, community…that is our gift that we can give to humanity and God.