I have been having a difficult time lately with doing too much and being too productive and not realizing the cost. I write books, make vlogs, and then there is homemaking, homeschooling, raising little boys, the kitchen gardens now that spring is in full bloom and so on.
I love all that I do but suddenly I hit the wall and I spread myself so thin that all that I do is half a#$ed. I’m not doing that great at anything because I’m not present in my daily to do’s, I’m off making more list and planning other projects…while doing a chore at that moment.
I look at my boys that are now five and seven and realize that this time is beyond precious gold and is slipping through my fingers. I’m impatient with them because I’ve put so many things on my roster, I don’t really hear them when they tell those yummy and imaginative stories because my mind it thinking about what I need to accomplish on my Channel or to finish a book. They asked me to play and I say, “I have chores.” Or “I need to get this done.”
I have changed since building a writing career and starting a YouTube Channel and now I need to change back quite a bit.
I have long since rid myself of most media such as Twitter (never found it useful or interesting), Tumblr, LinkedIn, and deleted my FaceBook (best move ever)…oh, and Instagram (didn’t know I even had that). I rarely post on here whereas it used to be daily and I don’t take many calls. However, I am too consumed with YouTube and writing and it is a greedy companion that is taking demanding my life.
So, I had the classic meltdown and enlightenment between the hours of one and three in the morning the other day and all things came to a halt. Full stop, as I hear in some British films.
Yesterday I was completely present with the boys and my homework. I read to them in the morning and listened to them all day. I used to read to them all throughout the day and when they spoke to me I would put down what I was doing, turn to face them and look them in the eyes, listening as I would to a friend. These children are the loves of my life after all.
I stayed off the computer completely and stayed in the kitchen cooking and baking, washing out the fridge, and had my small Chromebook on listening to a session by Dr. Joe Dispenza regarding the healing of our minds and making huge personality changes. I had a candle lit and plants in the sink that I was watering and feeding. I was loving my home, my family and taking time to be present for all of us, including me.
I feel like I’m not really succeeding at much, just juggling many things. I feel like I want more from life but not sure what. I feel like I’m tired of being frugal and so uptight about funds. I feel like I want to live a little more, work hard much less, and thrive effortlessly.
I feel the only way to be happy, heal our inner hurts, love our lives, grow in every way, and be in gratitude is to be present and to meditate. To learn to focus on one thing at a time and not load our plates daily. It’s ok to just do one small chore or be totally present in one activity. At. A. Time.
I come from a more mellow age. We didn’t have cell phones, computers were just starting, reality TV, YouTube, Twitter…nothing. We hung out, we talked, we didn’t have little handheld devices to bury our heads in. When we were with friends we were with friends, at work we were at work, and when at home we were at home finding something to create or clean or do.
I used to be so proud of my multitasking abilities and how I could do so much in such little time. It’s a curse actually. It’s nothing to be proud of at all. One becomes a slave to their work. They live to work and not work to live.
I watched a Netflix documentary called Walk With Me and it follows a group of monks in France led my Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh. It’s a nice, pleasant documentary with a lot of quiet walking (this could be very boring for some). It got me thinking about this rushing and doing thing with all that frenzied energy.
So, I did this yesterday. I slowly worked in the kitchen, I slowly worked in my gardens, I was tuned in to my little ones or Dr. Joe Dispenza. I hung the laundry outside slowly, I weeded the melon patch while focusing on the birds.
I did not get on the computer, answer emails, comment back on YouTube, or write a single dingle word.
I went back to a time when my family lived on a fruit farm and my boys were really little and still nursing. I wasn’t writing back then and YouTube was a new thing to me. I spent my days sitting outside in our lovely yard under a huge olive tree reading books and letting the little ones play in the sandbox or roll around in the grass. I would cook dinner and do chores but I just had this nice, quiet country life. I was never busy and I was consumed with nothing. I was mom and homemaker.
I’m going back to that before it’s too late. I’ve already wasted a few years building my writing career and now I can’t get those years back. I want to stare at my boys and watch them grow and hear all there crazy little ideas and stories. I want to savor each moment and lite my candles, knead my bread dough, watch my plants grow, and slow down. Before it’s all gone. The books can wait. The Channel can wait.
This morning I woke up happy and I am writing this because the blog was a slower time for me. I could enjoy writing a little something before the children woke up. I am in bed now with my coffee and watching them sleep, listening to my morning doves and the train in the distance.
Today I will meditate. I will play even in my daily chores. I will take the boys to a park and I will climb the ladders and swing with them. I may even read a novel outside while they play in the yard.
Just like the old days.